Delusional You: A Loki x Reader Story
by jaderook
Summary: You fancy Loki. Here's how things would really work out for you. (That OC in the tag line? Yeah, that's you.)


**Title: **Delusional You: A Loki/Reader Story

**Summary: **You fancy Loki. Here's how things would really work out for you.

* * *

><p>You have just finished watching Thor: The Dark World <em>again. <em>"Oh, Tom," you cry. "I mean Loki," you amend. "Take me away from this dreadful place!"

Nothing happens. This severely disappoints you, but you're used to being disappointed. However, since you're either a) a teenage girl, b) a teenage boy, or c) older than that, this is not unusual for your life. You are simply angst-ridden and unfulfilled. This makes you sad. _Sadder. _

You briefly consider doing something like popping in those Insanity DVDs and trying to actually make it through the entire two months this time but, instead, you choose to flop down on the couch in a disconsolate fashion. Sorry, Shaun T, but you are _not_ going to _dig deeper_ today, even though you have to admit that everyone on those infomercials looks fantastic. You are lazy. You don't particularly care.

"I hate my life," you say out loud. Briefly, you hope that someone has heard you, but after a minute has passed, you're pretty certain no one has. That's really too bad.

You pick up your phone only to notice that your mother has texted you. You hate it when your mother texts you. There are, like, ten texts there already because you haven't responded promptly to the first one. This means she'll actually try calling soon. Whatever. It's not important. You notice that none of your friends have texted you, so in retaliation, you will show them by not texting them either. You throw the phone on the coffee table with a huff.

You realize that you, literally, have nothing worthwhile to do. "I have nothing worthwhile to do," you say. "Oh God, I'm talking to myself," you whine despairingly.

Your mother has told you that only crazy people talk to themselves, and you don't want to contemplate what it would mean if your mother was ever right about anything, so you must find something to do and soon.

"Tumblr!" you cry exultantly. "I shall troll Tumblr—"

You get off the couch and walk to your room to find your laptop. You open it up only to realize you didn't charge it. You sigh loudly and then go searching for your power cord. However, finally, you make it on-line.

With every passing fanfic about Loki, with every picture of Tom Hiddleston _as_ Loki that passes your eyes, your fangirl/fanboy (circle one) longing increases exponentially. You wonder if you can get tickets to ComicCon this year. And, if so, if you expect to make and- what is worse- wear a decent costume, then you will definitely have to start those Insanity DVDs soon. However, you heard from friends of friends that live in San Diego that it is, like, literally impossible to get tickets. You know, deep down in your heart, that you will not get to go because your life sucks.

"My life sucks!" you say to no one at all. You close your laptop with a sigh.

In a fit of inspiration, you decide that you will go for a walk around the block. So, that is what you do.

It is a… (circle all that apply)

a) Rainy day.

b) Windy day.

c) Sunny day.

d) Overcast day.

e) Humid day.

f) Perfect/beautiful day.

g) Hot day.

h) Cold day.

i) Snowy day.

j) Monsoon season.

k) You don't care because Loki is not in your life.

However, it is pretty typical weather for your area.

The further you get from your a) house, b) apartment/flat, c) townhouse/condo, d) patio home, e) trailer/caravan, f) yurt (circle one), the more this weird notion keeps popping into your head. You're not really crazy and you know you shouldn't do it. Besides, what if someone actually heard you this time? Yes, _this_ time, because you've done this before. A lot. A lot a lot, actually. You've been lucky that nobody has caught you doing it yet.

You look around. There doesn't seem to be anyone. So, you decide to chance it. This is the last time, you swear. Before you lose your nerve, you fling your arms out to the side, you throw your head back, you look up to the sky, and you shout, "Heimdall! Open the Bifrost!"

Oh, were you expecting something to happen? You just keep voluntarily walking into disappointment, girl/boy/insert preferred pronoun (circle one), don't you? That one old lady that lives near you though, you're pretty sure she's looking at you through her window like you've lost it. Nosy witch. If you pretend nothing happened, then maybe she will doubt that she saw you doing anything unusual. You slink past her residence. You're pretty sure you're blushing.

As soon as you have made it past the old lady's line of sight a whirlwind appears from nowhere and sucks you up. You're terrified. However, like Dorthy, you are spit out over the rainbow, well, on the rainbow really, as the rainbow bridge leads into the observatory. You, my friend, are in Asgard.

You are in shock. You must be dreaming. You see Heimdall. He looks even more terrifying than he does in the movies.

Heimdall turns his golden eyes to you. "This has to stop, Midgardian. You cannot keep asking me to open the Bifrost all the time."

And, really, even though you're terrified, could there _be_ a more embarrassing reason to be sucked up to Asgard?

You laugh nervously. "Um. Sorry. I—didn't know—" You don't know what else to say, because nothing could have prepared you for this situation.

You vaguely notice that while Heimdall looks good and terrifying in his gleaming Asgardian armor, you are only wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and those scuffed up shoes you always wear because they are comfortable. You're not even sure you fixed your hair. You resist touching it to find out.

Suddenly, a noise is heard from outside of the observatory. Heimdall leaves you to investigate. When he returns, he has Lady Sif in tow. She looks as awesome and kickass as she always does in the movies and that one episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., except more so in person.

She gives you a stony glare. "Is this the mortal?"

You swear that Heimdall has a brief smirk flash across his face, but it immediately disappears again, only to be replaced by his usual sanguine expression. "Yes, and this one is quite persistent."

If you weren't so terrified you would consider giving into the urge to stick your tongue out at him. As for Sif? Her disapproval means nothing to you. While Thor is hot and all, what was she thinking all these years ignoring Loki? Her taste is obviously lacking. You shake your head at her.

Even though you didn't say anything, it's like Sif knows what you're thinking anyway. She rolls her eyes. "Follow me. The All-Father wants to see you."

Walking across the Bifrost is like walking on one of those light up Disco floors. It's kind of cool, but then you look off to the side and see the vast expanse of space, and it starts to freak you out. To your eyes, there is literally not much keeping you from flying off into the void.

However, you manage to find previously unknown depths to yourself and follow Lady Sif into your uncertain future. You're just full of surprises today.

As the palace approaches, you stumble because you're so awed by the sight before you. Mortal eyes weren't meant for this and you realize you must look like a deranged lunatic slash mouth breather, but what can you do? You're just an unsuspecting Loki fan that's been sucked up unexpectedly to a place you never knew actually existed. Lucky you.

You're in an absolute daze when you're thrust before Odin. You have no idea what to do. Do you kneel? Do you kowtow? Do you bow or curtsy? There were no protocol people around to advise you and Lady Sif has been of absolutely no help to you. It's like she's enjoying your discomfort or something. That is, if she cared. You glance at her briefly. Upon reflection, it is more than obvious that she sees you as an annoyance more than anything. You sigh. You stand there looking like a moron while Odin All-Father looks at you disapprovingly. He looks even more terrifying than Heimdall and thus you are way more concerned for your personal safety.

He only needs one eye to convey his special disgust. "Another goat! I'm getting tired of them. Lady Sif, put this one with the others."

With that, Odin's disgusted glare glides over you as if you don't exist anymore, and then Lady Sif grabs you roughly by the arm. The warrior doesn't look nearly so beautiful to you anymore. She's serious business.

You try to pull away. You send your own glare to Odin. "Wait! I am _not_ a goat!"

You didn't sound at all brave or like you had righteous anger going for you there. You sounded pathetic. You whimpered. Your voice gave away your obvious terror. That was _pretty_ embarrassing actually.

Sif's cuts a glare at you. "Don't argue, mortal. Just come along," she hisses.

You are taken down a staircase into those dungeon areas you saw in Thor: The Dark World. This doesn't make you happy. "But I don't want to go to the dungeons," you whine.

However, it's like you've never spoken at all. Nobody cares about your whining here in Asgard.

You pass dozens of cells, all containing seriously dangerous and ugly looking creatures and criminal scum from around the Nine Realms. They're certainly not all Asgardian. Soon enough, you're shoved into one of those white glowing cells you saw in the movie. There are no books, furniture, and magic mirrors in _this_ cell. No, what you face is much worse. There are literally dozens of other humans, like yourself, shoved into this cell with you. They all scramble forward as you come in. This is not promising.

"Let us out, Lady Sif!" one teenage girl cries desperately.

Her pleas go unheeded.

You look around at your companions and they are a miserable lot. They look as bewildered as you do.

One pathetic boy is cowering in the corner gripping his phone tightly. He looks up at you. "Don't even bother trying to use your phone. Just being in Asgard eats up your battery. No Snapchat, no Instagram, no Candy Crush," his voice is wobbling unsteadily.

That's when the horror of your situation truly begins to set in for you. "Oh, my God," you mutter in horror.

"Yes, your god," a gleefully malevolent voice echoes from the other side of the glowing electric barrier thingie.

A few fangirl/fanboy squeals are heard. "Loki!" someone calls to him desperately.

Around the crush of your fellow mortals you finally get your first glimpse of Loki. You sigh dreamily in your adoration. He looks _perfect_. All Tom Hiddlestonesque, except with dark hair, armor, and this totally deranged look on his face. You fan yourself with your hand. "Is it me or is it hot in here?" you mutter.

"Kneel before your god, mortals," Loki intones in a completely sexy, yet threatening way.

_You're_ certainly weak in the knees for him, aren't you? You fall to your knees, along with all of the other sensible people sharing a cell with you. You're all gaga for Loki. These people get it.

He smirks at you all in condescension. "See, this _is_ easier. I always knew your true nature. My only question is, where were you mortals when I tried to take over Midgard?"

"Oh, Loki!" one pretty girl to your left cries. "I'm here now! I'll get on my knees for you anytime! I'll do _anything_ for you," she says suggestively, with a naughty look aimed boldly at the God of Mischief.

This is unacceptable to you, because _you'd_ do anything for Loki. The tart to your left is suddenly your competition. Before you know it, your voice is competing with everyone else's voice, a cacophony of noise, telling Loki in detail everything you all are willing to do for him. How _dare_ these people all have the same idea as you!

Loki's smirk suddenly vanishes and he is left with a bewildered look on his beautiful chiseled face. He holds up a hand. "Silence, ants."

Of course, you and everyone else quickly hush up. You'd do anything for Loki, after all. However, the sight of his dear, bewildered face makes something very clear to you. Loki is obviously just misunderstood and in need of love to change him. You're the one for the job.

You stare adoringly at him. "I love you. I'll help you get through your pain," you say in the most understanding tone you can muster.

You're an empathetic person and you're also really good at angst-ridden relationships. You've certainly had enough of them, and they've all failed miserably. However, this is Loki, so you'll make the best relationship effort you've never made before just for him.

Again, your cellmates immediately seize upon your train of thought and add their own suggestions for how they can ease Loki's pain and become his one true love.

Loki's bewildered expression turns to horrified disgust before your eyes. "You mortals are sick creatures. What you're suggesting is akin to bestiality and- despite what you all seem to think- I don't consort with livestock." He looks you all over with a shudder and his lip curls slightly, his face grimacing is distaste. "No. Just—_no_. I should kill you all for even suggesting such vile things. This is no longer fun or pleasing."

With that Loki shifts into Odin before your eyes. "Guards! I want these mortals returned to Midgard immediately."

Then Loki stalks out of your life as if he can't get out of the dungeons fast enough. There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth around you. This has become like hell or something.

As you and your fellow mortals are herded up and sent back in one mass group to the middle of the New Mexico desert, you don't know what to think. Your fellow Loki lovers are crying, whining, and lamenting the loss of Loki's lovely visage in their lives, but you? Oh no. _You're_ angry. How dare Loki get your hopes up and then dash those hopes to pieces just like that? You weren't even given the opportunity to slap him like Jane Foster was.

Now, here you are in the middle of the desert with a bunch of useless whining people for no good reason. Your life really _does_ suck. Plus, your mom is absolutely going to kill you. There is no way you're going to be able to explain this situation. There's nothing to do but to walk morosely with the fan group and try to find that small town that Loki once destroyed in the first Thor movie. You all could die out here if that small town is still destroyed or doesn't really exist.

Suddenly the human Avengers seem much more appealing to you. And, now that you're thinking about it, Steve Rogers is pretty dang hot. He's a genuinely good guy. Then the idea comes to you that what that man needs is a nice individual such as yourself to help bring him around to the novelty of modern life. Plus, didn't you get an A on that World War II project in school that one time? You suddenly feel like your life has a new purpose.

The first chance you get, you're going to watch all of the Captain America movies again. "Oh, Chris," you cry. "I mean Steve," you amend. "Take me away from this dreadful place!"

Nothing happens. Well, except that all of your companions now have that speculative gleam in their eyes and some have also started expressing their newfound love of Captain America, just like you have. You glare at them all. These people suck. But forget about them. _Your_ life sucks, and that's the important thing here.

"My life sucks," you say, giving voice to this thought. "The universe is out to ruin my life."

Maybe it is. It's certainly looking that way. But hey, what did you really expect? You're used to disappointment. Foolish mortal.

* * *

><p>Just a little note here on LokiReader Stories: This is the fan-fiction equivalent to giving poor Loki a Midgardian venereal disease, and even villains deserve to keep their honor intact. People, show some propriety. Anyway, parody is my bread and butter. It's like a compulsion. Please, do review.


End file.
